by RE Helper | Oct 15, 2024 | Blog, Gambling, Helpful Tips, Resources
Today’s blog entry is from Bobbie Malatesta. Bobbie has been a member of Café RE since February 2020.
Gambling…the Addiction Hidden in Plain Sight
By: Bobbie Malatesta (Café RE UP)
If you’ve met me in the community or heard me share, you probably know this about me. My first drug of choice was gambling addiction. My sobriety followed 999 days later, sort of by accident. When I was preparing to go to Asia with our Recovery Elevator family, I was following the request to have 30 days without alcohol before going to an RE event. For the sake of today’s conversation, the rest is history.
I probably should have ditched the booze when I went to rehab in 2017 for gambling, but I wasn’t ready at the time. A few people actually asked if I was going to treatment for the alcohol or the gambling problem. It wasn’t time for me to quit drinking then, but I am happy to report that I attribute some of the skills I acquired through that journey to helping me stay sober today.
This scenario of being both a problem gambler and drinker simultaneously isn’t unique to me. That’s what prompted me to write this. Although drinking is a substance and gambling is a behavior, they share one important thing in common…they’re both normalized in the world we live in.
Legalized online gambling is in more states now than it isn’t. During that Asia trip, I unknowingly walked into a casino because they directed us there to use the restrooms. At an Recovery Elevator Atlanta meetup, the gas station had five slot machines. While driving through Montana to get to the Recovery Elevator Bozeman Retreat, I saw mini casinos at many of the gas stations along the way.
In every convenience store and grocery store, we can get powerball or scratcher tickets. At work, you can gamble on brackets or join in lottery pools, at fundraisers you can participate in raffles and the list goes on.
Gambling is deeply ingrained in our society, and the problem keeps worsening. I believe I gambled for the same reasons I drank, to numb and escape. Not every person who has or had a challenging relationship with alcohol will have one with gambling, but it is important to shine the light on the possibility.
My intention for sharing my thoughts on this was let you know a couple key points.
- Gambling is everywhere and it can be dangerous
- There are resources and help out there- Facebook communities, podcasts, national and state agencies and so much more.
- We are probably a bit higher risk than those who don’t have addictive behaviors on their resume
- It’s not about the money
It is my mission to raise awareness around problem gambling and if you ever have any questions, please feel free to contact me. 203-565-5646
One of my favorite premises that Paul shares is the concept of identifying the problem. He says in relation to alcohol, that if we are asking ourselves if we might have a problem, then we might have a problem. The people who don’t have the issue, usually aren’t questioning themselves.
I truly appreciate Recovery Elevator for the opportunity to share this message!
With Love and Gratitude,
Bobbie
by RE Helper | Sep 15, 2024 | Alcohol Relapse, Blog, Early Sobriety, Science and alcohol, Uncategorized
Today’s blog entry is from Dan B. Dan has been a member of Café RE since January 2022. He can be found on our zoom chats and supporting fellow members of Café RE.
Experiences in the ER and Detox
By: Dan B (Café RE UP)
Both are Brutal & Dangerous: Drinking to that Level and Detox/Withdrawal by Dan B.
I’m hoping that all my experiences in ER and Detox could both be informative and a motivation not to do what I did. I used to drink enough alcohol in a binge over days to the point I was in a panic and my blood alcohol level was at a dangerous level. Alcohol energized me, raised adrenaline and cortisol, then I probably used more for hair of the dog, and for fear of withdrawal – so it all accumulated to a dangerous level, hence ambulance rides (way too many) initiated by my friend or myself seeking a friend or neighbor.
ER Experiences
In the ER, I usually asked for a benzo like Ativan, because I felt in a panic, but at a certain blood alcohol level, they cannot give you it. One time, I think they waited until my BAC was under 2.5; another time, they didn’t give me anything at all. I think I believed I was in withdrawal, but it was intoxication. Having an anxiety disorder probably factors into this.
They hook you up to IV, and put those round stickers on you, is that for heart eval? I should know by now. I think they had something on my other arm sometimes too. Sometimes they told me to keep my arm straight. One time they told me not to move. In some situations, if I got out of my bed, beeps would go off; other times, they didn’t. I was in telemetry at times, which I guess may be extra monitoring.
Various staff would come in at different times to take vitals and such. Nice, caring nurses make a huge difference in states like these. And I always thank them. They would also do a certain scan putting me into a machine, maybe because I sometimes fell before going in. I was often what they call a fall risk, so that’s why they wanted me to stay in bed.
At certain visits, they would attach something for urination. Others I would have that plastic bottle. When I had some anxious energy, I liked to walk around, but they are extremely attentive when you step an inch outside of your door.
I usually asked for a lot of water, but I think at one visit, they didn’t want me drinking too much because I guess it may eliminate some of the electrolytes via IV.
The “Fight” Out
They eventually have a counselor evaluate me via computer, in which she asks at least 30 questions. Between that and a doctor’s call, that determines if they will keep you in for days, transferred to detox. I’ve been there several times, and it’s a process just to get out.
So, in a very challenged, exhausted state, I gave my best to speak well and answer questions the right way. Because I know the decision is ultimately mine about drinking. And when you are in detox for days, you have access to nothing in terms of phone, shaving, makeup, etc. You are in scrubs. In the process of discharge, they will ask if you have support. I always said, “Oh I’m in an amazing recovery group called Café RE.
I usually have nothing in terms of glasses, my wallet, phone, keys. So there was a fear that my doors would be locked though I leave the sliding glass door unlocked a lot. They call a ride for you, and I often left in scrubs and socks. I hated going back because my neighbor often knew about the episode and is very nosy.
When Transferred to Detox (5-9 Days)
I was always pleased when I had my own room in detox, because you never know what your roommate will be like. In NJ, I had a roommate that said, “If you snore – I’m going to put toothpaste up your nose.” I stayed awake as long as possible.
Some of the hospitals for detox were very challenging environments, but you also create special bonds, and we found a way to laugh together. But it also got pretty “crazy” at times. You also hear some very sad stories. But there are also some good workshops.
Self-Detox
This obviously could be dangerous, especially without a benzo like Librium. When I went through alcohol withdrawal at home without the help of a benzo, even after spending half a day to 2-3 days in the ER, I may have had some alcohol a couple of times. But even with that small amount, the reduction was so significant that I still experienced the full effects of withdrawal. And you also have the possibility to tip back over into dangerous excess.
So, in general, here’s what withdrawal was like when drinking vodka at the massive level I did:
There are various alcohol withdrawal symptoms one can get. The first two days are the scariest. Sometimes I vomited throughout the day, from 2 up to 20 times. The dreams on day 2 and 3 (or similar) were vivid and weird in a scary way. And I’m not one to ever get this unless I’m going through this process. Trying to take vitamins caused me to vomit also. It’s strange because you are very tired but have anxious energy. So as a fall risk, I would lay on the couch and move my legs/feet because of the anxious energy.
I would sleep on my side in case I vomited. You don’t want to sleep on your back during this. I often said, “God, please help me.” Then read Matthew Perry also said that. I often did the heart hold with affirmations like, “Daniel, you are going to be OK.” And did deep breathing. I remember in some episodes, I felt like deep breathing a lot still wasn’t enough.
In one episode, I was trying to hydrate but vomiting as well, so I don’t think I was hydrating. I drank Powerade Zero for electrolytes. I sometimes put on the Insight Timer app which has relaxing sleep music. Sometimes I kept playing “Be Not Afraid”, which my long-time friend did during hard times. He’s one of my smartest, biggest hearted friends.
I was weak walking to the bathroom, and would sometimes hold the rail of the shower. Thank God for Google. I would look up things. When I eventually could hold food and vitamins down, I had blueberries and strawberries out. Perhaps broccoli at times. And of course B1 (Thiamine) and Folic Acid. This is standard in this process. The amount they prescribed me for folic acid was 1 mg, B1 varied from 50-100mg according to the notes I’m looking at from two visits.
After 3 days, things get better. After 5 days even better. And after 7 or 8, for me, it was a major transformation. So, this was my experience with and without alcohol after a binge.
It was brutal.
by RE Helper | Aug 15, 2024 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Early Sobriety, The first Year, Uncategorized
Today’s blog entry is from Jeff Miller. Jeff has been a member of Café RE since March 2024. He can be found on our zoom chats and supporting fellow members of Café RE.
Forever
By: Jeff Miller (Café RE GO)
There I was at 6 years old kneeling next to my bed repeating the same prayer over and over again, “Come into my heart Lord Jesus”. I would say it 10 or 20 times a night until I thought that I had annunciated each word perfectly otherwise it would not be acceptable to God and I would be destined for eternal damnation in outer darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.
55 years later those same words still echo in my mind.
I was raised in a charismatic Pentecostal church, in a small town where my Sunday school teacher had a captive audience of young boys. We were taught that if we were good and followed all of the rules, we would go to heaven. If we slipped up and sinned we would burn with eternal fire. I was in constant fear of Hell.
I entered into marriage when I was 22 to an 18-year-old girl who met my qualifications. She was pretty, and she went to the same church that I went to. We quickly had a child and my life of being manipulated and controlled by fear continued for 28 years.
One of the only shows that I could watch was 19 Kids and Counting, a reality TV show about a conservative Christian family with 19 children and more on the way. One of their practices was for the boys to not look at girls or women who were immodest. If there was anyone around them when they were out they would call out Nike! Which meant for the boys and Jim Bob, their father, to look at their shoes. My wife adapted this practice and would be constantly saying “Nike! Nike!” And I would have to look down until she said it was clear.
By the time I was in my 40s, my life revolved around discussions about how it is not proper for women to wear pants and, God forbid, bathing suits. By then, my daughter was in college. I was not only trying to defend myself but also her and the decisions that she was making as an adult. I recently read the book by Jill Duggar, Counting The Cost, which opened my eyes and brought my life of religious trauma rushing back.
In 2012, I finally filed for divorce.
I believed in my heart that I was making a decision that would lead me to an eternity in hell with no possibility of any reconciliation with God. This was an extremely difficult thing for me to live with. So I decided to relieve my guilt and shame with alcohol; after all, I was going to burn anyway. I never was a normal drinker.
I quickly began drinking a six-pack a day on the way home from work. Then I would hit the bars on weekends, including Friday Jr. I was often really hungover for work on Friday and Monday. At the height or depth of my drinking, I was spending over $500 per week on alcohol. Not including my generous tipping. Despite my drinking habits, I was blessed to meet the love of my life. We spent a substantial amount of time drinking together, but as you will see, our relationship was much more than drinking. After 2 years together, we were married.
Flash forward to Sept 7, 2023, and I’m meeting my CPA and my banker for drinks at lunch.
We drank a couple of bottles of wine and then departed back to our offices for work. Except I didn’t go back to my office. I went to a little craft beer place that was just across the street and had 3 or 4 beers. I got in my car and texted my wife that I was on my way home. About 30 miles from home, there is a little highway dive bar that I liked to sing Karaoke at. I thought I could squeeze in a couple of drinks and a song before continuing home. You would think that this was enough but nooo. I then drove another 10 miles and saw a Casino that I had never been to before. And decided what the fuck! I’m going to hell anyway.
At some point, I was outside of my body, watching myself. It was so strange.
I was buying drinks for complete strangers and throwing money around like I was Elon Musk. I somehow got hooked up with a woman that I had never met before and found myself checking into the hotel with her. I had never done anything like that before, and retrospectively, it cuts me to the core. I honestly don’t know what happened after that. It was 5 AM the next day. I was sitting in my car in the garage at home, not knowing how I got there. I was still drunk. Apparently, I had made a 20-mile drive on a very dangerous mountain road in a complete blackout.
My wife had moved into the guest house and cut off all communication. I went into the house, took a shower, and headed to an early breakfast with 2 bottles of Prosecco. I staggered into the winery around midday, making up all kinds of lies to explain my meltdown. I texted a friend to meet me. I ended up destroying my relationship with him and others before getting in my truck and driving home.
I woke up the next morning to the absence of my wife and a pounding headache.
I had betrayed my wife and my 17-year-old daughter in the deepest way. It made me sick to tell her the whole story, but I did. At that point, I didn’t know if she or my daughter would ever take me back. I spent the rest of that day trying to do damage control with those in town who had talked to me the night before.
My first step after that was to stop drinking for a while. At least long enough to try and repair the damage done to my family. My wife, who also had been struggling with alcohol, had several quit-lit books on Audible, so I started with Laura McKowen’s We Are the Luckiest and listened to it straight through. After completing the book I began to consider that I might have a problem with alcohol. Duh!
As the days passed and my wife and daughter were nowhere near reconciliation I had to do some real deep introspection. The days were hard. I was sweating and shaking. I could hardly get a glass of water or coffee to my mouth without holding it with both hands. I was experiencing uncontrollable head tremors and was extremely agitated and anxious. My only concern was that I could lose the most important people in my life. I was just stumbling through my days, dizzy and disoriented. That is when I had the thought that stopping for a while wasn’t enough.
It had to be FOREVER! SHIT!
I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that! But telling them that I was going to quit drinking for a while was like telling them that I wouldn’t hurt them again for a while. So, on my way home from work, I picked up a lot of poster board, and in Love Actually style, I wrote out my apologies and promises. One for my daughter and one for my wife. It had been 10 days and I don’t know if I was sick from alcohol withdrawals or missing them. They were still not speaking to me. I texted both of them and asked them to please meet me at the large glass doors at the back of the guest house.
I didn’t know if they would.
I prayed to a God that I had failed and whose judgment and wrath awaited me —please, God, If you still hear me, please help me with this. Help them with this. Please show me the way. I rounded the corner to the large glass doors and saw them both sitting attentively on the edge of the bed. With tears in my eyes, the same way that they are right now as I write this, I started the cards with my daughter first. On one of the cards it said I PROMISE TO STOP DRINKING and the next card said FOREVER.
Then I did the cards that I designed for my wife containing the same words. I PROMISE TO STOP DRINKING FOREVER. Broken, I could hardly stay on my feet. As I walked away I could see a flicker of hope in their eyes and even a bit of a smile. My last card for each of them. I LOVE YOU!
Soon after, my wife was back in the house, and she let me know that she had decided to quit alcohol forever also.
So we began our new journey together by getting an online sobriety coach, Teri Patterson, who really helped us and got me through some really tough days. We both started reading a lot of “quit” lit, and each of us found Recovery groups. Mine is Recovery Elevator / Café RE and hers is Write Back to You by Meg Geisewite, author of Intoxicating Lies, One Woman’s Journey to Freedom from Gray Area Drinking.
The RE podcasts were incredible and the stories there gave me hope. I went back to the first one and started listening straight through. Then I discovered Café RE where I signed up and began listening in on the morning chats every day. Even though I haven’t spoken yet because I am at the gym at 5 AM I still am beginning to feel like these people are my family.
Rebuilding my life required me to get to the root of the whys of my life. Why I started drinking and why I stopped.
I started talking to a therapist who happened to be an AA Sponsor and has been sober for 20 years. I’m starting to think that God might still hear me and that he might still love me.
Another big part of my recovery is meditation. I couldn’t even imagine that I would or could actually meditate, but thanks to a book by Dan Harris, Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics: a 10% Happier How to Book. I got started doing just 2 minutes a day, now I am doing close to 20 because it is part of the foundation that gives me peace throughout my days.
I am seeing everything more clearly. Finally dealing with all of the things that I was avoiding with alcohol, and it is hard. I really felt like shit for the first few months, but now the dark clouds are beginning to lift, and I am building hope and peace. I am accepting that God still loves me and hears me when I talk to him. I am softening my religious rigidness and know that I am a work in progress. I am more accepting of others and their beliefs.
Sometimes, I still battle my condemnation and my desire to drink it away. I then have to make myself go back and remember that God never left me, and the ones that I love the most took me back.
Saying forever seems like a lot to live up to, but for me, saying forever makes one day at a time possible.
by RE Helper | Jul 15, 2024 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Early Sobriety, Helpful Tips, Uncategorized
Today’s blog entry is from Kristie K. Kristie has been a member of Café RE since December 31, 2019. She can be found supporting her fellow Café RE GO members and hosting our Café RE chats.
Not Much Can Grow in the Dark
By: Kristie K. (Café RE GO)
1.12.24
During these Winter months night time darkness cuts the daylight dramatically. The short days are gray and cold. Darkness when I wake. Darkness when I sleep. I can not change these things of nature but I can change myself and my perspective. I knew the darkness of nature was coming, so I mentally prepared and took action in writing this.
When I was drinking, many of my days were dark. My world was dark. My soul was dark.
There was not much to look forward to other than the next drink. It was a cycle of wanting and needing the next drink. I drank the dark. The world was heavy and dark as I attempted to do everything for the good of the family, community or students. My life was a daily grind filled with to dos, lists and tasks. Always in a rush, I gave of myself, my time and my energy. No self. Instead of breathing, I was drinking. I rarely took a moment to breathe. I neglected myself, forgot who I was and slowly I began to die within. The darkness grew.
Funny thing about the darkness of addiction, it only let me see what it wanted me to see and not my true reality.
My perception was framed by an addiction black bubble that protected itself and forced me to keep it alive. As the addiction grew, so did the black bubble. It darkened and blacked out people, activities, opportunities and the joy from my life. At the center of this bubble was loneliness, anxiety, depression, self loathing and an empty bottle. Others did not see this because I was busy pleasing them. I was helping, offering, volunteering, coaching, fundraising and performing as your classic high functioning addict…another darkness strategy.
Now, I spend every morning with myself.
I write, read and reflect. I spend about 30 minutes alone in the morning with myself and myself only. My daily intention is to connect with the light. The light that is constant, warm and wraps me in love. This connection grounds me in values, principles and love. This connection helps me see how life is working for me and I have much to be grateful. This light reminds me that I have light within me through strengths, skills and talents. I can use these to create more love, kindness and goodness into the world. The light is constant, warm and bright.
With this daily practice, I was and still able to face the darkness. I was able to face my addiction through this daily practice by finally taking action after many years of denial. I started to listen to podcasts and read about alcohol. After about a year of journaling, I joined Cafe RE and attended my first AA meeting.
Darkness is part of life. Darkness is natural and will continue to be a part of life. Addiction showed me darkness and provided me light, love, friends, peace and a return to self. Mother Nature provides me darkness, to retreat and rest so I can renew within. I accept and respect the darkness. Not much can grow in the dark…so I chose to seek the light. Will you join me?
Surise on 🌅
Kristie
by RE Helper | Jun 15, 2024 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Early Sobriety, Helpful Tips, Uncategorized
Today’s blog entry is from Justine. Justine has been a member of Café RE since November 2023. She can be found supporting her fellow Café RE UP members and on the Café RE chats.
Sobriety, Stigmas and Smiles
By: Justine (Café RE UP)
As I sit here today, I am 2 years and 11 months sober. A few months ago, I decided to tackle the daunting task of beginning to date again. As if dating in your thirties isn’t hard enough, I am one of the chosen ones who must add “alcoholic” to my resume. I know some people choose not to embrace that label. When I first started my sober journey, I wouldn’t be caught dead calling myself an alcoholic.
But where I stand today, I say it purposefully.
I want anyone I tell that to to know that if they ever see me drinking, there is a serious problem.
Just another way to keep myself accountable.
Anyway, I digress. The point is, when I decided to date, I knew that I would have to share the part of my past I so desire to change, my alcoholism. It is something I bring up in the first conversation. I began seeing someone exclusively for the past five weeks. A few days ago, he let me know that he could no longer do it because it weighed too heavily on his mind to know that if I were to relapse, he could never support me through it. Phew! As an outsider, you’re probably thinking I dodged a bullet. And deep down, I know that I did.
Here is the thing. My first reaction was that of sickness. What a punch to the gut to know that something I have worked so hard to change about myself can STILL stand in the way of my happiness. For the last 1,072 days, I have woken up and made the incredibly difficult choice to remain sober.
If I could go back and re-write my past, I would do it in a heartbeat; But I can’t. My past is the one thing I will never be able to change. This experience served to remind me that the stigma of alcoholism still exists so prevalently in our society. It felt like someone was telling me that I will forever be undeserving of (their) love because I am an alcoholic. That no matter the length of time I have away from the bottle, there will always be someone there to remind me, “But hey, you might relapse.”
I’ve been reflecting a lot on coming up on three years of sustained sobriety. I’ve shared in a few evening groups about how difficult it feels to have achieved so little in what seems like so much time. In the Café RE community chat today, I listened while others reflected on change within sobriety. I changed a lot in the beginning. My appearance, my career, my location. Still, I am not where I want to be. The truth of the matter is, it took me more than a decade to ruin these parts of my life. So, I’m not sure why I have the audacity to think I can rebuild it in just three short years.
Instead of dwelling on what I don’t yet have, I started to reflect on what I do have.
- I have two sisters who love and support me unconditionally, who understand and are always willing to lend an ear.
- I have my health and the ability to run long distances with relative ease.
- I have perspective on my problems.
- I have coping mechanisms other than alcohol to deal with those problems.
- I have the ability to be present in the moment and a proper role model for my nieces.
- I have two fur babies who provide me with the most comfort I have ever felt.
- I have a job that pays me.
- I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear and the ability to order off Amazon a few too many times per month.
I have my personality and most importantly, I have my smile back.
In active addiction, I did not have many of those things I just mentioned. When I write it all out, how foolish it is to think that I haven’t achieved much in sobriety! Here is my reminder to you. If you are struggling with the “why” and want to take the easy way out, write down all the things you might lose again. Despite not yet being completely “fixed”, I would never in a million years wish to go back to my old life. I want to take a second to thank everyone in the Recovery Elevator community for being a part of my journey. At the beginning, I was most definitely a dry drunk.
If I could start over and do one thing differently, it would have been to join a community sooner. What great perspectives I gain every day from every single share. Here’s to many more years of sobriety and smiles.
by RE Helper | May 15, 2024 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Early Sobriety, Helpful Tips, Uncategorized
Today’s blog entry is from Johanna C. Johanna has been a member of Café RE since September 2023. Sha has been an active and supportive member of her Café RE Blue group and our Café RE chats!
Playing The Tape Forward: A Foundation For My Sobriety
By: Johanna C. (Café RE Blue)
Through the course of a sobriety journey, we’ve become accustomed to the concept of building a tool kit. Stacking together concepts, ideas, and ways of coping that don’t include alcohol as a way to navigate to a better life and get closer to our true selves.
There are sobriety phrases, some albeit corny or even annoying.
For me, it’s the “grateful alcoholic” identity (ps I am getting comfortable with the word grateful as it relates to my sobriety journey). There may be one (or more) that are uncomfortable or downright piss you off. One concept that I learned from Paul & the Recovery Elevator POD, that still to this day, 3 months in (today, November 18th), on an extended 3+year effort towards an AF life, is playing the tape forward. Episode 356: Play the Tape Forward.
It’s not so much a phrase, but a tool, a strategy.
A mechanism through which we can move through our addiction and keep saying YES to an AF life. Despite our time away from alcohol, there are moments or even extended periods of time when we feel like a life with alcohol isn’t so bad, that we can moderate. The fear of missing out is too great and the loss of that idealistic, glamorized life with a fancy glass of wine, a craft beer or a seductive cocktail with fancy elixirs mixed in, is what we want. It’s what we think we need to be complete.
Or when the stress and sadness are too much, and we want to retreat into our safe space of numbing, alcohol is ready to accept that familiar role. The reality is, that space is not safe. There is no trust. It’s downright dangerous.
And for those of us who have taken a step into the other side, regardless of sobriety time, see it. And the challenge now is to make it stick somehow. So…when we play the tape forward of what that life was like, it’s meant to stop us in our tracks and remember. Remember that all too familiar audio and visual representation of who we are when we’re drinking. The choices I made, the sick feeling I would feel, the events I would miss, the friends I would disappoint, the depression that would consume me – the list goes on.
When we’re in it, we can’t see it.
Of course, we experience and feel the booming headaches, the continuous, all-day nausea, the puffy face, the bloodshot eyes, the inner shame and fuzzy recollections of what occurred the night(s) prior. I’ve come to realize, there is a strong sense of culture that paints that picture as an expected way of life.
That it’s somehow funny to blackout.
Waking up not knowing what you did last night and that when we promise we’ll never drink again, it’s quite fine when we reach for the wine and wine glass the next weekend when happy hour hits. Social media is a breeding ground for insidious shit like that. We feel all of it and it sucks. But in the depths of alcohol and its tendrils that permeate every part of our being, when we’re using, it prevents any of us from seeing the other side. I’ve learned, in many ways, it’s chemically impossible.
What playing the tape forward does is remind me. It grounds me. It calms me, in some way. For some, it terrifies them. It terrified me early on. It felt like there was too much to lose.
Some of us feel like we would let our communities down.
And now, after joining Cafe RE and participating actively for the last 2 months (I’m a newbie), in chats and outreaches to those who’ve lent a hand, I look at it this way: if I decide that drinking is most important now, as these feelings of re-inclusion come over me from time to time, then what does that mean? What do I have to give up? Who am I then?
It means that I will not and cannot live authentically every moment of every day.
That in a blink of a notice, if someone needs me, and I am drunk or drinking, I won’t be fully present. Even though I may want to. It means that at some point, eventually, one glass will turn into bottles. This will lead to paralyzing depression and anxiety, leaving me wondering, “How did I get here.”
When we play the tape forward, we see the life we left. We get the opportunity to choose an alcohol-free life every time. A life of freedom and rid of the toxicity that drives us further and further away from who we really are.
Before I say this, please know that I am in no way suggesting to experiment. The 8 months of “field research” that I engaged in after 1.5 years of sobriety in led me to the familiar line, “how did I get here (again)”. It has taught me that it WILL eventually return to that point. It took some time, but I had reached that point, again, amidst a tragic loss.
Alcohol fades our memories.
It dulls our feelings, loves us to live in gray versus technicolor. It feeds on us living in a depressive state. And that, I know (and we all know) is an indisputable fact. As I write this, I tear up with emotion. Reflecting on this 3+ year journey and the lessons it has allowed me to learn. The space for me to, for the first time in my adult life, truly decide how I want to live. And most importantly why I want to live that way.
I recently took advice from Laura McKowen, from her latest book ‘Push Off From Here.’
She writes about a practice she learned in therapy, a form of written visualization, where you play two different tapes forward (hmm… I thought there was only one…). Laura explains that you are to imagine a scenario where you would anticipate feeling that without alcohol/drinking, it would be incomplete, not fun, boring etc.
Then, with as much detail as possible, write each scenario out one at a time: one where you’re drinking as you would and one where you aren’t. Page 93 in Push Off From Here.
I chose Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Holy Shit was that wild.
When I was drinking, those two days were ones that I would always regret, year in and year out. My first sober Christmas Eve and Day – a true milestone. A moment I will always include in my preferred tape forward. Through this exercise, I was able to reflect on the tape that illustrates my life as an anxiety-ridden, unpredictable and obsessive drinker. And then one where I am a present, joyful, thankful and gracious person. One who loves spending time with their family during the holidays and cooking delicious meals, despite the stress it sometimes brings on.
Writing it out, playing both tapes forward, as plain as day on paper, did wonderful things. It caused some things to shift. Mostly, it made space for me to be proud of the choice I’ve made to stay alcohol-free today. It reminds me of the gifts it gives me each moment. It empowers me to warrior on, closer to the person I already am.
By Johanna C, 3 months sober (at the time of writing), most recent sober date August 18th, 2023. First ever sober date was June 22, 2020, a date I am proud of as well. I’ve been a member of Cafe RE since September 18th 2023. That day was the day when I decided not to try sobriety alone 🙂
