Forever

by RE Helper | Aug 15, 2024 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Early Sobriety, The first Year, Uncategorized

Today’s blog entry is from Jeff Miller.  Jeff has been a member of Café RE since March 2024.  He can be found on our zoom chats and supporting fellow members of Café RE.

Forever

By:  Jeff Miller (Café RE GO)

There I was at 6 years old kneeling next to my bed repeating the same prayer over and over again, “Come into my heart Lord Jesus”.  I would say it 10 or 20 times a night until I thought that I had annunciated each word perfectly otherwise it would not be acceptable to God and I would be destined for eternal damnation in outer darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.

55 years later those same words still echo in my mind.

I was raised in a charismatic Pentecostal church, in a small town where my Sunday school teacher had a captive audience of young boys. We were taught that if we were good and followed all of the rules, we would go to heaven.  If we slipped up and sinned we would burn with eternal fire. I was in constant fear of Hell.

I entered into marriage when I was 22 to an 18-year-old girl who met my qualifications.  She was pretty, and she went to the same church that I went to. We quickly had a child and my life of being manipulated and controlled by fear continued for 28 years.

One of the only shows that I could watch was 19 Kids and Counting, a reality TV show about a conservative Christian family with 19 children and more on the way. One of their practices was for the boys to not look at girls or women who were immodest. If there was anyone around them when they were out they would call out Nike! Which meant for the boys and Jim Bob, their father, to look at their shoes. My wife adapted this practice and would be constantly saying “Nike! Nike!” And I would have to look down until she said it was clear.

By the time I was in my 40s, my life revolved around discussions about how it is not proper for women to wear pants and, God forbid, bathing suits. By then, my daughter was in college.  I was not only trying to defend myself but also her and the decisions that she was making as an adult. I recently read the book by Jill Duggar, Counting The Cost, which opened my eyes and brought my life of religious trauma rushing back.

In 2012, I finally filed for divorce.

I believed in my heart that I was making a decision that would lead me to an eternity in hell with no possibility of any reconciliation with God. This was an extremely difficult thing for me to live with.  So I decided to relieve my guilt and shame with alcohol; after all, I was going to burn anyway. I never was a normal drinker.

I quickly began drinking a six-pack a day on the way home from work.  Then I would hit the bars on weekends, including Friday Jr.  I was often really hungover for work on Friday and Monday.   At the height or depth of my drinking, I was spending over $500 per week on alcohol.  Not including my generous tipping. Despite my drinking habits, I was blessed to meet the love of my life.  We spent a substantial amount of time drinking together, but as you will see, our relationship was much more than drinking.  After 2 years together, we were married.

Flash forward to Sept 7, 2023, and I’m meeting my CPA and my banker for drinks at lunch.

We drank a couple of bottles of wine and then departed back to our offices for work. Except I didn’t go back to my office. I went to a little craft beer place that was just across the street and had 3 or 4 beers. I got in my car and texted my wife that I was on my way home. About 30 miles from home, there is a little highway dive bar that I liked to sing Karaoke at.  I thought I could squeeze in a couple of drinks and a song before continuing home. You would think that this was enough but nooo. I then drove another 10 miles and saw a Casino that I had never been to before. And decided what the fuck! I’m going to hell anyway.

At some point, I was outside of my body, watching myself. It was so strange.

I was buying drinks for complete strangers and throwing money around like I was Elon Musk. I somehow got hooked up with a woman that I had never met before and found myself checking into the hotel with her. I had never done anything like that before, and retrospectively, it cuts me to the core. I honestly don’t know what happened after that. It was 5 AM the next day.  I was sitting in my car in the garage at home, not knowing how I got there. I was still drunk.  Apparently, I had made a 20-mile drive on a very dangerous mountain road in a complete blackout.

My wife had moved into the guest house and cut off all communication. I went into the house, took a shower, and headed to an early breakfast with 2 bottles of Prosecco. I staggered into the winery around midday, making up all kinds of lies to explain my meltdown. I texted a friend to meet me.  I ended up destroying my relationship with him and others before getting in my truck and driving home.

I woke up the next morning to the absence of my wife and a pounding headache.

I had betrayed my wife and my 17-year-old daughter in the deepest way.  It made me sick to tell her the whole story, but I did.  At that point, I didn’t know if she or my daughter would ever take me back. I spent the rest of that day trying to do damage control with those in town who had talked to me the night before.

My first step after that was to stop drinking for a while.  At least long enough to try and repair the damage done to my family.  My wife, who also had been struggling with alcohol, had several quit-lit books on Audible, so I started with Laura McKowen’s We Are the Luckiest and listened to it straight through. After completing the book I began to consider that I might have a problem with alcohol. Duh! 

As the days passed and my wife and daughter were nowhere near reconciliation I had to do some real deep introspection. The days were hard. I was sweating and shaking.  I could hardly get a glass of water or coffee to my mouth without holding it with both hands. I was experiencing uncontrollable head tremors and was extremely agitated and anxious. My only concern was that I could lose the most important people in my life. I was just stumbling through my days, dizzy and disoriented.  That is when I had the thought that stopping for a while wasn’t enough.

It had to be FOREVER! SHIT!

I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that! But telling them that I was going to quit drinking for a while was like telling them that I wouldn’t hurt them again for a while. So, on my way home from work, I picked up a lot of poster board, and in Love Actually style, I wrote out my apologies and promises. One for my daughter and one for my wife. It had been 10 days and I don’t know if I was sick from alcohol withdrawals or missing them. They were still not speaking to me.  I texted both of them and asked them to please meet me at the large glass doors at the back of the guest house.

I didn’t know if they would.

I prayed to a God that I had failed and whose judgment and wrath awaited me —please, God, If you still hear me, please help me with this. Help them with this. Please show me the way. I rounded the corner to the large glass doors and saw them both sitting attentively on the edge of the bed. With tears in my eyes, the same way that they are right now as I write this, I started the cards with my daughter first. On one of the cards it said I PROMISE TO STOP DRINKING and the next card said FOREVER.

Then I did the cards that I designed for my wife containing the same words. I PROMISE TO STOP DRINKING FOREVER. Broken,  I could hardly stay on my feet.  As I walked away I could see a flicker of hope in their eyes and even a bit of a smile. My last card for each of them. I LOVE YOU!

Soon after, my wife was back in the house, and she let me know that she had decided to quit alcohol forever also.

So we began our new journey together by getting an online sobriety coach, Teri Patterson,  who really helped us and got me through some really tough days. We both started reading a lot of “quit” lit, and each of us found Recovery groups. Mine is Recovery Elevator / Café RE and hers is Write Back to You by Meg Geisewite, author of Intoxicating Lies, One Woman’s Journey to Freedom from Gray Area Drinking.

The RE podcasts were incredible and the stories there gave me hope. I went back to the first one and started listening straight through. Then I discovered Café RE where I signed up and began listening in on the morning chats every day. Even though I haven’t spoken yet because I am at the gym at 5 AM I still am beginning to feel like these people are my family.

Rebuilding my life required me to get to the root of the whys of my life. Why I started drinking and why I stopped.

I started talking to a therapist who happened to be an AA Sponsor and has been sober for 20 years. I’m starting to think that God might still hear me and that he might still love me. 

Another big part of my recovery is meditation. I couldn’t even imagine that I would or could actually meditate, but thanks to a book by Dan Harris, Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics: a 10% Happier How to Book. I got started doing just 2 minutes a day, now I am doing close to 20 because it is part of the foundation that gives me peace throughout my days.

I am seeing everything more clearly.  Finally dealing with all of the things that I was avoiding with alcohol, and it is hard. I really felt like shit for the first few months, but now the dark clouds are beginning to lift, and I am building hope and peace. I am accepting that God still loves me and hears me when I talk to him. I am softening my religious rigidness and know that I am a work in progress. I am more accepting of others and their beliefs.

Sometimes, I still battle my condemnation and my desire to drink it away.  I then have to make myself go back and remember that God never left me, and the ones that I love the most took me back.

Saying forever seems like a lot to live up to, but for me, saying forever makes one day at a time possible.

Staying Hopeful Through This Long Journey

by RE Helper | Apr 15, 2024 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Early Sobriety, The first Year, Uncategorized

Today’s blog entry is from Ana.  Ana has been a member of Café RE since April 2023 and is an active and supportive member of her Café RE OG group!

Staying Hopeful Through This Long Journey

By:  Ana (Café RE OG)

Around 4 years ago, when I finally admitted I needed to tackle my drinking problem, I truly believed I wouldn’t be able to go a single day without alcohol.

It was scary.

It’s taken a lot of work; programs; books; podcasts; tears; failures; dollars; etc., but I’m pleased to say I’m on a good path to recovery.

Lately I’ve been feeling stuck though.

For the last 2 years or so, I’ve been trapped in the same cycle: I go about 3 months without alcohol. I don’t miss it; I hate it; I gag thinking of the taste. One day I get the nagging idea that I can drink moderately, like I used to.

I don’t want to go back to drinking, even in moderation. I just HAVE to prove to myself that I can, just one final time. I then try, it doesn’t work, and I end up back to square one with a new horrible story under my belt (I’m a binge drinker). It doesn’t make any sense – it’s my brain tricking me into drinking at all costs. 

It usually goes like this:

I haven’t drunk in months and I feel great, so I’m CERTAIN it will be different this time. I never go out and order a cocktail or a nice glass of wine though. I buy a pint of the cheapest vodka at the liquor store across the street; rush home; and take around 3 shots asap.

I tell myself it’s sort of the same amount as a martini, therefore I had just a martini, therefore I’m “normal” (nothing wrong with one martini, right?).

Or I’ll buy a single serve can of wine at the market downstairs. I’ll chug it as soon as I walk out of the market; can’t even wait the elevator ride back home.

I tell myself it’s one serving, one generously poured glass; therefore, I had just one glass, therefore I’m “normal”.

Obviously, nothing about this is normal. Most times, I succeed and stop drinking that day. This should be the proof I was looking for, so this should be the end of the story. But I wake up the next day feeling hungover; guilty; and defeated. I go to the market and chug a can of wine by 9 a.m. to numb the crappy feelings.

Sometimes that does me in; sometimes I go a couple more days playing with fire like this.

Eventually I ALWAYS lose control and end up in yet another life-altering, humiliating binge.

This is a cycle I haven’t been able to break yet, and I so want to change that. Today I was at that crossroads. On Wednesday night I had my 3 shots of nasty Skol vodka (my “martini”). Thursday morning I felt wretched, so I eventually caved and had chugged a can of wine by lunch time. I miraculously didn’t drink on Friday. On Saturday though, the nagging discomfort was unbearable. I had some vodka in the afternoon.

My boyfriend was picking me up at 6 to go to a party. The risk of him finding out I’d been drinking and ruining the evening and further damaging our relationship didn’t stop me from having a can of wine dangerously close to 6. I felt miserable at the party, trying to act normal and not get caught. I just wanted to come home so I could have another can of wine before bed. To my annoyance, when my boyfriend drove me home, he wanted to come upstairs and hang out. I couldn’t wait for him to leave (how sad), and I got my can of wine as soon as he left.

Today is Sunday. I woke up, you guessed it, hungover and depressed. Every Sunday morning I volunteer at an animal shelter. On a similar Sunday, I would’ve stopped at a Walgreens on my way and bought/chugged a can of wine. In the afternoon, I would’ve stopped at one of the many liquor stores I’ve memorized on my route home. And that would’ve been the beginning of a dreaded binge.

I kept thinking the eventual binge was unavoidable. I even wondered if I should just get it over with, instead of torturing myself. I had to try harder, do things differently.

I played an episode of the Recovery Elevator podcast on my way to the shelter.

I picked one titled “What to say to someone who is about to drink” – fitting, I thought.

The guest’s name was Grant. His story is very different from mine, but also VERY similar. It brought back lots of harsh memories, as well as many insights I needed to hear today. Paul and Grant praised the several guests who have gone on the podcast with around 2 months’ sobriety. It felt good to hear someone acknowledge how difficult and admirable it is to cobble up 2 months. But it also felt frustrating. I’ve been a “two-monther” for 2 years now; I desperately want to graduate to the next stage! You know, the one where it gets easier!

In AA they talk about one day at a time. Today was more like one hour at a time. The Recovery Elevator podcast and conscious shift in mindset helped, but the day still felt like an endless minefield. It was sad to drive past my liquor stores and not stop. One even had an open parking spot right in front, like it was meant to be! I stopped for gas and found myself browsing the wine/beer section (I bought a Gatorade instead). I sat in my car when I got home, considering walking to the market, or even the liquor store. 

I feel happy and relieved to report that I didn’t drink today.

I feel like crap, but I know tomorrow I’ll feel better thanks to today’s decisions, so I’m calling today a good day, a win. Abstinence is still my goal, so having broken my sober streak has me feeling defeated and upset.

But I have renewed hope: I did something different, and got different results. Maybe this is how I break the cycle.