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RE 438: Expectations

by Kris Oyen | Jul 10, 2023 | Podcast

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Episode 438 – Expectations

Today we have something different lined up. Instead of one interviewee, we’ve got a panel of sober rockstars who have been kicking ass and taking names in this field for a while now. You’re going to love it.

Recovery Elevator welcomes our newest sponsor, Athletic Greens.

[02:33] Highlights from Paul:

We are full of expectations. Both for ourselves and other people. Top of that list is we expect happiness in a world where nothing is guaranteed. We have been conditioned throughout our life that any discomfort represents failure, and a certain product, drink or pill will end the suffering.

How do we let expectations go? It’s impossible. All you can do is become aware you are expecting something different for yourself or other people.

Another reason why expectations are dangerous is it throws gratitude right out of the window. We also expect the earth to keep providing the natural resources needed for our survival, which are never guaranteed. We definitely need to approach sunshine, fresh drinking water, clean air, and shelter from a stance of gratitude opposed to expecting them to be delivered to us because we deserve them. More on that next week.

“The days in which my gratitude exceeds my expectations are really good days” – Ray Wylie Hubbard.

Better Help: www.betterhelp.com/elevator – 10% off your first month. #sponsored

[10:54] The interviewees introduce themselves:

Laura Cathcart Robbins, the host of “The Only One in the Room” podcast and author of the book Stash: My Life in Hiding.

Eric Zimmer, the hose of “The One You Feed” podcast and creator of a program called Spiritual Habits.

Paul Churchill, the host of “Recovery Elevator” podcast (who we all know and love).

Gill hosts the Sober Powered podcast and is also a chemistry professor in the Boston area.

Gill wants to talk about early sobriety and what the experience was like for each guest.

[14:33] Laura has almost 15 years in sobriety. She shares that her first month of sobriety was spent in rehab. She hated it and felt resentful of those that enjoyed it. She attended a lot of recovery meetings and felt sentenced and never felt like she fit in initially. Laura remembers the early days often and knows she doesn’t want to return there.

[17:18] Eric first got sober from heroin when he was 24. He stayed sober for about eight years but returned to alcohol for a few years. He has since gotten sober again and has been sober for 16 years. What Eric remembers about early recovery is that just quitting substances wasn’t enough. He was plagued by the war that went on between using and not using and he feels that after some time in recovery, the turmoil subsides.

[20:08] Paul had a moment of clarity during a wedding he was DJ’ing where he was extremely drunk and had to ask a colleague to finish. He quit drinking a few days later and planned on going to rehab. He decided to wait and try recovery with AA and spending more time in nature.

[22:48] Gill is three and half years sober. She quit because it was affecting her mental health. She was scared to share her issues with anyone initially, so she did the first few months in recovery by herself.

The guests continue to share their experiences around their early sobriety, their readiness to quit drinking and reflect on what helped them in recovery then and what continues to help them now.

Connect with Laura – The Only One in the Room Podcast

Connect with Eric – The One You Feed

Connect with Gill – Sober Powered

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The Canary in the Mine: What Addiction Is Telling Us

by Kerri MacFarlane | Jul 15, 2026 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Early Sobriety, Helpful Tips

The Canary in the Mine: What Addiction Is Really Telling Us

In many native cultures, when someone became sick, they weren’t seen as broken—they were seen as a signal. In the context of addiction and recovery, that signal might be what we call the canary in the mine.

A warning.

A canary in the mine.

Instead, rather than isolating that person, the community came together. They recognized that illness—whether physical, emotional, or spiritual—meant something was out of balance for everyone, not just the individual.

And the response wasn’t blame.

It was connection.

Music. Movement. Healing. Together.

Addiction as the Canary in the Mine

Fast forward to today, and we’re seeing more “sick canaries” than ever.

Addiction. Anxiety. Depression. Burnout.

Instead, we tend to treat these as personal failures. Something to fix quietly. Something to hide.

But what if, in reality, addiction isn’t the problem?

What if it’s the signal?

When someone struggles with alcohol, it often points to something deeper—not just within that person, but within the systems, environments, and pressures we all live in.

In that way, addiction becomes a mirror, reflecting a larger imbalance.

And the truth is, it affects all of us.

Why You Can’t Do This Alone

Here’s what you don’t hear when someone celebrates an alcohol-free milestone:

“I figured it out by myself. I locked myself away and powered through alone.”

That’s not how it works.

What you do hear is:

“I couldn’t have done it without…”

A friend. A parent. A group. A community. A stranger who showed up at the right time.

Because, in reality, recovery isn’t a solo mission.

It never has been.

In fact, it never will be.

Community Is the Cure

If addiction is the canary in the mine, then connection is the response.

Not isolation.

Not silence.

Not white-knuckling your way through it.

Real recovery happens when you let people in.

That might look like:

Talking to a friend about your drinking
Joining a recovery group
Working with a counselor
Becoming part of an alcohol-free community like Café RE

The form doesn’t matter as much as the principle:

You need people.

And just as importantly—people need you.

Let People Help You

This part is uncomfortable, but it matters.

When you don’t ask for help, you’re not just protecting yourself—you’re also blocking others from doing what they’re wired to do.

Humans are built for connection. Research continues to show that social connection plays a critical role in mental health and recovery, not just emotionally, but biologically. (See American Psychological Association on the importance of social connection.) Supporting each other isn’t just a kind gesture—it’s biological.

Helping someone in need releases chemicals that make us feel good, grounded, and connected.

So when you’re struggling and you let someone in, it’s not a burden.

It’s an opportunity.

The Turning Point in Recovery

If you’re stuck in the cycle of drinking and trying to quit, the shift usually starts with two simple—but not easy—steps:

1. Ask for help

2. Be willing to receive it

Both will likely push you outside your comfort zone.

That’s the point.

Because growth doesn’t happen where things feel safe and familiar.

It happens when something cracks open.

Maybe Addiction Has a Purpose

This might be hard to hear, but it’s worth considering:

What if addiction serves a purpose?

Not in a romanticized way—but as a force that pushes you toward awareness.

Toward change.

Toward connection.

Because before anything shifts, you have to see it clearly.

This idea isn’t new—we explored it more deeply in Episode 337: The Canary in the Mine, where the conversation centers on what addiction might actually be trying to show us.

And once you do, something starts to open.

The Canary Can Heal

If you’re reading this and thinking about quitting drinking—or wondering if you should—you might be the canary.

That doesn’t mean you’re broken.

It means you’re aware.

And awareness is where everything begins.

Healing doesn’t come from finding the perfect method or following a single path.

There are countless ways to recover.

But they all share one thing in common:

Connection.

You don’t have to do this alone.

And you were never meant to.

Author: Paul Churchill, founder of Recovery Elevator.

Spiritual Healing in Year One Alcohol-Free

by Kerri MacFarlane | Oct 15, 2025 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Helpful Tips, The first Year

Spiritual healing after quitting alcohol can be subtle, surprising, and deeply meaningful. It’s also the focus of Part 3 in our three-month series on the healing that takes place in your first year alcohol-free.

In Part 1 we explored physical healing, and in Part 2 we covered mental healing. Now, we’re shifting to something less tangible but equally powerful—your connection to self, others, and the world around you.

Let’s dig in.

🌱 Spiritual Healing After Quitting Alcohol: What May Happen in Week One

For many, nothing profound happens immediately. That’s normal.
But you might have had a moment before your last drink when time seemed to pause—a flicker of presence that let you really see where alcohol was taking you.
That moment of clarity, however fleeting, may have been the start.

🍃 First Month of Spiritual Healing After Quitting Alcohol

Your intuition might quietly peek out and ask, “Is it safe to return yet?”
You may feel a pull toward nature—a walk in the woods, leaning on a tree, or just sitting still under the sky.
You might experience a few moments of pure gratitude—not for things, but for being.
Even something simple, like watching a bird or a breeze in the trees, might hold your attention longer than usual.

🌌 Spiritual Growth and Awareness in Months 1–6 Alcohol-Free

Synchronicities start happening—those “too weird to be coincidence” moments.
You begin to feel the emotions of others more deeply, maybe even animals or the earth itself.
You start listening to your intuition and trusting it.
Your connection to something greater than yourself—something that doesn’t come in a bottle—starts to take root.
Authentic wisdom bubbles up. Sometimes you surprise yourself with what you say (and yes, you sound a bit like a fortune cookie).
You begin to sense the universe has a sense of humor—and you’re in on the joke.

✨ Spiritual Healing in Year One of Sobriety: A New Connection to Life

You start to notice the spaces between life’s events, not just the events themselves.
You realize this journey isn’t about becoming someone new—it’s about unbecoming what was never really you.
Books like The Power of Now, The Dao, or The Artist’s Way might find their way into your life—often “accidentally.”
You may pause before killing a spider, recognizing you’re both part of something shared.
Decisions shift—you’re guided more by intuition than logic.
Material things matter less. Moments matter more.
You find yourself standing in awe of a canyon, a sunset, or a mountain—and feeling it all in a way you never used to.
You begin seeking wisdom from ancestors, indigenous cultures, spiritual texts—things you once dismissed.
You may start meditating or exploring your inner self.
You discover flow states—where time disappears, and presence takes over.

🌊 Long-Term Spiritual Healing and Transformation in Sobriety

You begin helping others heal, not by fixing, but by simply walking alongside them.
You value silence and listening as much as speaking.
Gratitude becomes your default mode—less about what’s missing, more about what already is.
Creativity returns: music, poetry, painting, dancing—even spontaneous singing while cooking. (The Artist’s Way is a great guide here.)
The dream world and waking world start to dance—you dream of an owl, then see one the next day.
Your inner child reawakens—you feel playful, curious, light again.
You feel less like a wave, more like the ocean. Life moves around you, but it no longer knocks you down.
You stop labeling life events as “good” or “bad”—they just are, and somehow, they all fit.
You begin to trust that everything is unfolding exactly as it should.
And eventually, you realize:

What you’ve been searching for all along has been inside you the whole time.

🌟 The Healing Never Stops

So here we are—three parts, three layers of healing: physical, mental, and spiritual. This list? It’s just the beginning.

Sobriety doesn’t just take something away—it gives you back a connection you didn’t know you were missing. The healing deepens, the awareness expands, and the sense of peace grows.

Whether you’re a week in or years down the road—keep going. You’re not becoming someone new. You’re just remembering who you were all along.

📖 Missed a part? Catch up here:
👉 Part 1: Physical Healing After Quitting Alcohol
👉 Part 2: Mental Healing After Quitting Alcohol

#SpiritualHealingAfterQuittingAlcohol #AlcoholFreeLiving #SobrietyJourney #YearOneAF #EmotionalRecovery #SpiritualGrowth #SoberCurious #HealingInSobriety #RecoveryElevator #ThisIsAF #ConnectionIsTheOppositeOfAddiction

Managing Expectations in Sobriety

by Kerri MacFarlane | May 15, 2025 | Blog, Early Sobriety, Expectations, Helpful Tips, Resources

Managing Expectations in Sobriety: A Deep Dive from Recovery Elevator Episode 438

Managing expectations in sobriety is one of the most important skills to develop in early recovery. In fact, our expectations…of ourselves, others, and how we think life should look without alcohol…can greatly influence our emotional stability and long-term success. In Recovery Elevator Podcast Episode 438, host Paul Churchill explores how expectations can lead to discomfort, disappointment, and even relapse…and how learning to release them can create peace, clarity, and joy.

If you’re on a path of healing, managing expectations in sobriety can be a game-changer. This blog explores Paul’s insights and how lowering expectations can reduce stress, support emotional stability, and help you thrive in your alcohol-free life.

💭 Why Managing Expectations in Sobriety Matters

As Paul says in the episode:

“Less expectations = less drinking. More expectations = more drinking.”

We don’t always realize it, but many of us come into recovery with a long list of expectations…how we think things should look. We expect to feel better immediately, we expect others to cheer us on, and we expect the process to be linear.

But as anyone who’s made it past Day 1 knows…sobriety is rarely a straight path.

Managing expectations in sobriety doesn’t mean lowering your standards or giving up on goals. It means softening your grip on how things unfold and allowing room for imperfection, discomfort, and growth.

📺 How Unrealistic Expectations Can Derail Sobriety

Since birth, we’ve been conditioned to expect comfort and pleasure. Advertisements, social media, TV…they all tell us that happiness is the default and discomfort is a problem to fix, usually with a product, pill, or drink.

But here’s the truth Paul drops:

“This pedagogy is f***ed, because it’s not even close to how the real world works.”

The idea that we should always be happy is not only false…it’s toxic in recovery. Expecting happiness 24/7 is like expecting a sunny sky every day of the year. It’s simply not how life works.

Sobriety teaches us to embrace all of our feelings, not just the pleasant ones.

📚 A Personal Story About Managing Expectations in Sobriety

In the episode, Paul shares a moment where he decided to sit down and read a book in the middle of the afternoon. Within minutes, his inner critic chimed in:

“Yo, yo, what are you doing Paul? Nope. Get up and stain the fence.”

That voice…that guilt-ridden drive to “be productive”…came from deeply rooted expectations he inherited from watching his dad work nonstop. Paul recognized this and decided to stay put, choosing rest over hustle. The book? The Myth of Normal by Dr. Gabor Maté, a powerful read about how we disconnect from ourselves to meet society’s standards.

This story is a reminder that managing expectations in sobriety also means letting go of what we think we should be doing and embracing the moment we’re in.

🔁 Awareness Is Key to Managing Expectations in Sobriety

One of the most important takeaways from Episode 438 is this:

“You can’t force yourself to stop expecting things. All you can do is become aware you’re doing it.”

That awareness is powerful. When we realize we’re expecting something that isn’t happening…whether it’s from ourselves, a partner, or the universe…we can pause, take a breath, and let go.

Over time, this awareness reduces suffering. We begin to accept life as it is, not as we think it should be.

🌈 Let Go of the Outcome to Stay Grounded in Sobriety

When we lower or release expectations, we increase our capacity for peace. This doesn’t mean we stop caring or stop striving…it means we release our need to control how things unfold.

As Paul puts it:

“So much of this journey is deconditioning, deconstructing, and uncoupling…at the neural level.”

This deconditioning is what makes recovery so transformative. We stop chasing a version of life someone else told us we should want, and start living a life that feels true to us.

⚠️ How Managing Expectations Supports Gratitude in Recovery

Expectations are future-focused. They say, “I’ll be happy when…” Gratitude, on the other hand, is rooted in the present. It says, “I’m thankful for this now.”

When we’re trapped in expectation, we miss what’s good right in front of us. By managing expectations in sobriety, we create space for appreciation…of the small wins, the quiet moments, the steady breath of an alcohol-free life.

As Paul shares:

“Expectations are future resentments on a slow boil.”

🧠 Practical Tips for Managing Expectations in Sobriety

Here are a few more gems from Episode 438:

“Expectations in the self are major limitations.”
“Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours.” – Richard Bach
“Expecting happiness 24/7 is like trying to bring back Screech for another season of Saved by the Bell. Not happening.”

💡 How to Start Managing Expectations in Sobriety

Here are a few practical steps to take from this episode:

Notice when you’re feeling disappointed…what expectation wasn’t met?
Ask yourself: Did I expect something from myself or someone else that they couldn’t give?
Shift from expecting to accepting. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable.
Stay grounded in the present moment. Practice gratitude.
Keep your recovery toolbox close: meditation, journaling, sobriety podcasts, community.
Reflect daily on how managing expectations in sobriety is shaping your mindset and choices.

🔗 Related Reading & Listening

🙏 Final Thoughts on Managing Expectations in Sobriety

Managing expectations in sobriety isn’t about giving up or settling…it’s about making space for what’s real. It’s about removing the invisible yardstick we constantly measure ourselves against, and learning to live life on life’s terms.

As you move forward in your recovery, may you find peace in the present, joy in small moments, and the strength to let go of what you thought it would look like. Practicing managing expectations in sobriety helps us let go of rigid beliefs and embrace a more balanced, resilient life.

RE 310: Positive Relationships

by Kris Oyen | Jan 25, 2021 | Podcast

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Sasha took her last drink on May 19^th, 2019. This is her story of living alcohol free (AF).

Check out the free meditations on the Recovery Elevator page here!

Odette’s weekly installment of: Finding Your Better You

When Odette doesn’t want to forget something, she sends herself an email. Recently she found one to herself with the subject line: Positive Relationships. The body of the email said simply: “The biggest factor for cultivating resilience” (Season 17, Grey’s Anatomy)

We need resilience when embarking on this journey. Not just for this, but for everything life throws at us. Our journey is far from perfect, when we fall we need the courage to get back up and that’s why we need community. This is why together is better. Having one person in your corner can make a huge difference for you.

How many positive relationships to you have and are you fostering them?

[7:19] Odette introduces Sasha.

Sasha is from New Jersey and works in IT. She lives with her fiancé and their dog. For fun she likes to read, do jigsaw puzzles, meditate and collecting old books from estate sales.

[10:37] Can you give listeners some background on your story?

Sasha said she started drinking around the age of 18. It wasn’t anything that was intense, but she knew from the first drink it would make her be “her true self.” She got a DUI at the 20. Around 21 was when she started drinking alone. When she was 23/24 she was crying and falling apart every time she drank. Her thoughts were preoccupied with drinking all the time.

[13:48] Did the DUI make you question your drinking, or did you think that this was just something young people did?

Sasha said it was both. She knew she drank in a way that wasn’t normal but felt because she was so young it was also ok. Looking back she knew it should have been a big warning sign.

[15:36] Did you have any rock bottom moments?

Sasha said rock bottom was when she was drinking alone and miserable. She had the realization she was miserable but didn’t know how to get out of it.

[16:13] How did you get yourself out of the cycle?

Sasha said she was listening to the RE podcast and reading Eckart Tolle and doing the Sam Harris ‘Wake Up’ course and this gave her the realization she had a drinking problem. Her end goal when drinking was always to be drunk, so the solution was to have none.

[18:09] Was the podcast your first exposure to other stories of people’s drinking?

Sasha said after her DUI there was court mandated AA meetings and that was her first exposure. She loved hearing what people were going through because she could identify with them.

[21:20] What Tolle book were you reading?

The Power of Now

She was also reading In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts which covers many of the same themes.

[24:54] Were you having conversations with your fiancé about your drinking prior to May 20^th?

Sasha said she always minimized it, so they never had direct conversations about her drinking. When she told him, he was very supportive and zero judgement. They continue to have conversations about her drinking.

[26:27] Did you feel relief when you told him?

Sasha said yes, a tremendous amount of relief. She was so lonely in her drinking and to have him be so accepting was what she needed.

[32:05] How was it for you right after you made the decision to stop drinking?

Sasha said for her it was like a switch flipped. She was so happy to be free from alcohol that her “pink cloud” lasted about 6 months. It helped that so many other things fell into place in that time as well. Sasha received a promotion at work, they got a dog, she was connecting with herself, reconnected with old friends and all the small things put themselves in place. It was hard for her to imagine going back to drinking.

She had a craving around month 8, but was able to play the tape forward and that tool helped her not have a drink.

[36:27] What happened after the pink cloud? What other tools do you use?

Sasha said this time quitting was different, she was able to flip a switch. She no longer romanticizes drinking. But overall she hasn’t had the white knuckling craving this time.

[39:27] Did you have a routine in your day that you had to fill with new things?

Sasha said it was when she left work. In the past she would leave work and pick-up alcohol on the way home. At first, she was distracting herself with seeing friends and taking her dog for a walk or eating. Getting out of the house was really important.

[44:55] What type of responses did you get from people when you told them about this decision?

Sasha said most people were supportive. Every once in a while, someone questions the decision. Some of the people she used to drink with have also come out and admitted they are struggling and she has tried to point them in the right direction for resources.

[46:48] Rapid Fire Round

What would you say to your younger self?

Give her a hug and tell her everything will be ok.

What’s your favorite ice cream flavour?

Chocolate

What has recovery made possible for you?

To live a life of peace and to be vulnerable with others.

What parting piece of guidance would you give to listeners thinking about ditching the booze?

Stick with it if you’re struggling to quit. The fact that you are even trying to do this right now is huge. Find resources that will work for you.

You may have to say adios to booze if…

it’s 2pm on a Tuesday and you’re googling, “Do I have a drinking problem?” with one eye closed because you can’t see the phone.

Odette’s weekly challenge:

Make a small inventory of your relationships. Which ones would you like to see changes in? Which ones would you like to cultivate?

Upcoming events, retreats and courses:

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