RE 417: The Best and Worst Place to be With a Drinking Problem

by Kris Oyen | Feb 13, 2023 | Podcast

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Episode 417 – The Best and Worst Place to be With a Drinking Problem

Today we have Jenny, she is 36 from Hudson, WI and took her last drink on 2/16/2020.

Shout out to our Café RE hosts! They do an amazing job.

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[02:45] Intro Summary:

When Paul describes the best and worst places to be with a drinking problem, they both look a lot alike.

That realization that alcohol no longer serves us, but we can’t imagine life without it can be a scary place to be. Alcohol has us right where it wants us. It may feel like part of you is dying, that feeling is grief.

But on the flip side, when we realize that alcohol no longer serves us, we can see that as an invitation to live the life we were meant to live. We are at the tipping point about to embark upon the greatest journey in our life.

We are all right where we need to be. Life will keep giving us the same lesson until we are ready to learn or make a change. By making that first jump into the unknown, you give others courage to do the same.

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[10:15] Paul introduces Jenny:

Jenny is 36 and lives in the small town of Hudson WI. She is married and they have one son together. She works in education and enjoys the outdoors – camping, backpacking, she also enjoys gardening, yoga and in recovery she learned that she likes to read.

Jenny’s drinking started when she was just 11 years old. A traumatic event that she didn’t share with anyone had her feeling alone and out of place. Jenny realized she loved drinking right from the start. She grew up aspiring to be the bad girl with the tough persona because it helped her put up a guard to protect herself. She enjoyed drinking and was willing to try any other drugs.

When she was 20 her and her boyfriend moved to Montana. She thought she could escape her issues, but that didn’t work. Her addictions got worse and while she would quit some things, the alcohol remained which helped her believe that she didn’t have a problem because drinking was socially acceptable.

At age 30, she lost a pregnancy and her drinking evolved from drinking for fun to being self-destructive. She later got pregnant again and her son was born 18 months later. She still struggled to quit drinking during pregnancy and since her doctor told her it was ok, she saw that as a green light to keep drinking.

When their son was 7 weeks old, they moved back home from Montana to their hometown to be close to family. In debt, postpartum with no job, the lived in her in-law’s basement and her drinking got really bad. No one called her out because drinking was all part of the culture.

Her turning point was after Super Bowl Sunday when she had crippling anxiety the day after and ended up staying in bed for two days with very dark thoughts. There is a history of suicide in her family and that is what stopped her from that path.

She says she was sober from alcohol for the first 14 months but doesn’t feel like she was in recovery. She ended up going to AA in April of 2021 and hasn’t looked back.

To her, there is a big difference between being sober and being in recovery. She is doing things that she likes to do instead of just not drinking. She feels like every day is a victory and she counts every day as it helps motivate her. At first, she had a hard time letting go of the old persona, but now she has let go of that and has redefined who she is. She loves mornings now and is doing well in her job. She also loves yoga and attends AA meetings frequently as well as other online community events.

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The Canary in the Mine: What Addiction Is Telling Us

by Kerri MacFarlane | Jul 15, 2026 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Early Sobriety, Helpful Tips

The Canary in the Mine: What Addiction Is Really Telling Us

In many native cultures, when someone became sick, they weren’t seen as broken—they were seen as a signal. In the context of addiction and recovery, that signal might be what we call the canary in the mine.

A warning.

A canary in the mine.

Instead, rather than isolating that person, the community came together. They recognized that illness—whether physical, emotional, or spiritual—meant something was out of balance for everyone, not just the individual.

And the response wasn’t blame.

It was connection.

Music. Movement. Healing. Together.

Addiction as the Canary in the Mine

Fast forward to today, and we’re seeing more “sick canaries” than ever.

Addiction. Anxiety. Depression. Burnout.

Instead, we tend to treat these as personal failures. Something to fix quietly. Something to hide.

But what if, in reality, addiction isn’t the problem?

What if it’s the signal?

When someone struggles with alcohol, it often points to something deeper—not just within that person, but within the systems, environments, and pressures we all live in.

In that way, addiction becomes a mirror, reflecting a larger imbalance.

And the truth is, it affects all of us.

Why You Can’t Do This Alone

Here’s what you don’t hear when someone celebrates an alcohol-free milestone:

“I figured it out by myself. I locked myself away and powered through alone.”

That’s not how it works.

What you do hear is:

“I couldn’t have done it without…”

A friend. A parent. A group. A community. A stranger who showed up at the right time.

Because, in reality, recovery isn’t a solo mission.

It never has been.

In fact, it never will be.

Community Is the Cure

If addiction is the canary in the mine, then connection is the response.

Not isolation.

Not silence.

Not white-knuckling your way through it.

Real recovery happens when you let people in.

That might look like:

Talking to a friend about your drinking
Joining a recovery group
Working with a counselor
Becoming part of an alcohol-free community like Café RE

The form doesn’t matter as much as the principle:

You need people.

And just as importantly—people need you.

Let People Help You

This part is uncomfortable, but it matters.

When you don’t ask for help, you’re not just protecting yourself—you’re also blocking others from doing what they’re wired to do.

Humans are built for connection. Research continues to show that social connection plays a critical role in mental health and recovery, not just emotionally, but biologically. (See American Psychological Association on the importance of social connection.) Supporting each other isn’t just a kind gesture—it’s biological.

Helping someone in need releases chemicals that make us feel good, grounded, and connected.

So when you’re struggling and you let someone in, it’s not a burden.

It’s an opportunity.

The Turning Point in Recovery

If you’re stuck in the cycle of drinking and trying to quit, the shift usually starts with two simple—but not easy—steps:

1. Ask for help

2. Be willing to receive it

Both will likely push you outside your comfort zone.

That’s the point.

Because growth doesn’t happen where things feel safe and familiar.

It happens when something cracks open.

Maybe Addiction Has a Purpose

This might be hard to hear, but it’s worth considering:

What if addiction serves a purpose?

Not in a romanticized way—but as a force that pushes you toward awareness.

Toward change.

Toward connection.

Because before anything shifts, you have to see it clearly.

This idea isn’t new—we explored it more deeply in Episode 337: The Canary in the Mine, where the conversation centers on what addiction might actually be trying to show us.

And once you do, something starts to open.

The Canary Can Heal

If you’re reading this and thinking about quitting drinking—or wondering if you should—you might be the canary.

That doesn’t mean you’re broken.

It means you’re aware.

And awareness is where everything begins.

Healing doesn’t come from finding the perfect method or following a single path.

There are countless ways to recover.

But they all share one thing in common:

Connection.

You don’t have to do this alone.

And you were never meant to.

Author: Paul Churchill, founder of Recovery Elevator.

Inner Conflict and Sobriety: Why Recovery Starts Within

by Kerri MacFarlane | Apr 15, 2026 | Blog, Early Sobriety, Helpful Tips

Inner Conflict: Why the Hardest Work in Sobriety Happens Within

Today we’re talking about inner conflict and sobriety.

Most people don’t like conflict, but conflict itself isn’t a bad thing. In fact, the inner conflict many people experience around alcohol is often the very thing that leads them toward sobriety, self-awareness, and lasting recovery.

Conflict exists on two levels: the micro level and the macro level.

The micro level is the inner conflict we experience within ourselves. For many people in recovery, it can sound like this:

Do I quit drinking… or do I not?

The macro level is the conflict we see in groups, cultures, and even between nations.

Both forms of conflict matter. And more importantly, both are connected.

Inner Conflict Is Part of the Human Experience

It is impossible to live a human life without conflict.

In fact, attempts to avoid it often create even more of it.

Conflict shows up everywhere—in relationships, at work, in technology that refuses to cooperate, and sometimes even with printers, websites, or online bill-pay platforms.

Conflict is part of being human.

At any given moment we’re reconciling opposing forces within ourselves. The yin and the yang. The light and the dark. The part of us that wants growth and the part that wants comfort.

Some days the darker side wins and the light takes a seat.

Other days the light breaks through.

Most people tiptoe around this inner conflict for as long as possible. Some individuals go their entire lives without addressing it.

They don’t have to.

But for others, the internal tension becomes impossible to ignore.

Eventually, it demands attention.

And this is often where addiction enters the story.

Why Inner Conflict Often Leads to Addiction and Sobriety

Most people who grapple with addiction never fully address the deeper inner conflict beneath it.

But those who do choose to face it are doing something incredibly courageous.

There are podcasts about true crime, travel, and home remodeling. Yet many people choose to spend their time listening to conversations about recovery, healing, and personal growth.

That’s a big commitment.

Addiction often develops when there is intense inner conflict—when parts of our personalities are out of balance or when pain inside us demands attention.

And this inner imbalance is rarely isolated.

Individual unrest is often connected to the larger imbalance within society itself.

Strangely enough, addiction can become the catalyst that forces us to look inward.

And when someone chooses recovery, that inner work becomes unavoidable.

Facing Inner Conflict in Addiction Recovery

Inner work is not easy.

Sometimes it’s painful. It comes with tears, frustration, and difficult moments where the ego takes a hit.

Recovery often requires looking honestly at past conflicts—at people, places, experiences, and beliefs that have shaped our reactions and behaviors.

It involves asking uncomfortable questions:

What happened?
What role did I play?
What can I learn from this?

For many people in recovery, there comes a moment when the choice becomes clear.

Continue down the same path—or choose life.

Choosing recovery means choosing the work.

It means facing those internal conflicts head-on and being willing to examine them honestly.

Many people in sobriety share that moment in common.

They chose life.

How Sobriety Helps Resolve Inner Conflict

So what does recovery actually look like?

At its core, recovery involves setting the ego aside and reconnecting with who we truly are.

It means rediscovering an authentic self that may have been buried beneath years of coping mechanisms, fear, or pain.

And perhaps most importantly, it means learning to accept and love all parts of ourselves.

The light and the shadow.

The strengths and the imperfections.

When that process begins, something remarkable happens.

Gradually, the way we relate to the outside world begins to shift as well.

People become easier to understand.

Situations become less triggering.

Even the frustrating things—like broken printers—start to feel a little less overwhelming.

“What the Hell Is Going On Right Now?”

A phrase that many people have been asking lately is:

“What the hell is going on right now?”

It’s a fair question.

But the answer may be simpler than it seems.

For many people, turning inward and examining their own blind spots feels too painful.

It’s much easier to project frustration outward than to confront the discomfort inside.

Instead of examining their own role in conflict, people often direct that unrest toward others.

That’s when blame becomes easier than reflection.

When Inner Conflict Becomes Global Conflict

There’s a simple truth that appears again and again throughout history:

People who struggle to love themselves often struggle to love others.

When individuals carry deep internal resentment or shame, it can easily manifest as anger toward other people or groups.

This dynamic doesn’t just occur at the personal level.

When entire groups or nations refuse to address internal conflict, that unrest can be projected outward onto others.

History has shown how dangerous this pattern can become.

Research in psychology continues to show that self-awareness is one of the most important factors in personal growth and long-term recovery.

Recovery is widely recognized as a process that involves personal growth, support, and ongoing self-reflection.

Why Facing Inner Conflict Leads to Lasting Sobriety

Given this, how do we respond to the chaos and tension that often seems to dominate the world?

The answer may be the same one found in recovery.

We start by doing the inner work.

We face the conflict within ourselves.

We learn from it.

And we allow that process to shape how we move through the world.

Many of the largest challenges facing humanity today—from environmental concerns to technological risks—are ultimately rooted in human decision-making.

In other words, they stem from the human ego.

However, meaningful change doesn’t always start with large systems or institutions.

It often begins with individuals.

Because of this, when people commit to self-awareness, healing, and growth, it changes how they show up in the world.

As a result, when enough individuals do that work, the collective direction of humanity can begin to shift.

In that sense, inner work may be one of the most powerful contributions anyone can make.

Sometimes the very things that once felt like obstacles—addiction, conflict, pain—become the catalyst for that change.

And that’s where recovery begins.

Author: Paul Churchill, founder of Recovery Elevator.

RE 529: It Doesn’t Matter What You Have

by Kris Oyen | Apr 7, 2025 | Podcast

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Today we have Jenny. She is 38 years old from Hudson, WI and she took her last drink on February 16, 2020.

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Recovery Elevator has a nonprofit called Café RE which is our alcohol-free community. For all of our happenings and what we offer, click on Recovery Elevator Events.

[02:35] Thoughts from Paul:

It doesn’t really matter what word or label we attach to our relationship with alcohol. It doesn’t matter what we call it; we still need to do something about it. Paul says that his own pursuits of solving the “why” behind his drinking and how his addiction took hold has been a revealing journey of self-discovery even he won’t be able to pin down exactly why he crashed and burned so hard.

When we relentlessly scour the past for reasons why we drink, we take our energies away from the only moment where true healing and peace reside, which is this very moment right now.

Addiction does everything it can to pull us from the present moment. Ruminating on what happened, what you have tends to be fruitless. Befriend and make peace the part of you that seeks oblivion and self-destruction. An addiction path may be what our souls choose in hopes of teaching us what really matters in life.

[09:03] Paul introduces Jenny:

Jenny is a previous guest and was featured in Episode 417 back in 2023 after celebrating three years alcohol-free.

Jenny is married and they have a seven-year-old son. She enjoys exercise, adventure and being outside. She does professional development for the construction industry.

Jenny drinking when she was 11 years old with the goal of being a rebel. She says she had a goal of being a tough, naughty girl and says it let her down the road to 22 years of binging and going on benders with alcohol and drugs.

In her late twenties, Jenny had a miscarriage and says that it was at that point that she knew she had a problem, and she didn’t think she’d be able to stop. She and her husband had their son in 2017 and decided a life change was needed so they moved back home after living out west for a while. She was 31 years old, unemployed, had a newborn son and was deeply in debt. The move to her in-law’s basement and being back in her hometown opening old wounds drove Jenny to use alcohol more and more to escape.

Rock bottom came for Jenny after Super Bowl Sunday 202. She got very sick while driving and called out of work. For the next few days, she was hungover and thinking about ways to end things. A spiritual awakening and vision of an uncle that had passed away before she was born, led Jenny to get up and decide enough was enough.

Jenny says the first week was hard like ripping a bandage off and bleed profusely. All aspects of her life needed to be explored. She wanted to live a life of integrity and knew she needed to do the right things for herself. She feels like every day is a victory for all of us on the journey.

After a year without alcohol, her husband encouraged her to find connection and she tried AA. That group helped her define her higher power and she loves AA and the 12 steps. She finds that friendships in recovery are so much deeper.

In the last few years since she was on the podcast, Jenny says not much has changed but life is more stable now. When she quit drinking, she was able to address other issues that she wasn’t aware she had. She is capable of just being and seeking peace in her life.

Jenny knows that relapse is a non-negotiable for her. She says she hasn’t come this far to only come this far. Being able to tell the whole story about things that happen is important to her.

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You took the elevator down. You got to take the stairs back up.

We can do this.

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Do I have a Drinking Problem?

by Kerri MacFarlane | May 15, 2023 | Alcohol Free, Blog, Helpful Tips, Resources

Today is the day! Today is the day we are going to find out if you have a drinking problem…or not. Are you ready?

For Paul, when it finally sunk in that he did indeed have a drinking problem (and a good one at that!) two things happened.

First…he was like, “Oh F&#K!”

Then…immediately after, as this truth spread into his body, to his bones, to his conscious, his unconscious, to the heart, to the liver, something neat happened. An incredible amount of energy was instantly liberated.

For two reasons.

The stigma or label of an alcoholic didn’t change who he was. He was still alive.
But more importantly…all the energy, the incessant thinking he had of…

Do I drink, or not?
Do I have a problem, or not?
How am I going to control my next session of drinking?
How am I going to hide it?
Let’s do our best not to black out before 8 pm.
Do I have enough shitty box wine back home?
Let’s not let people know we’ve already had 9 drinks before meeting up at the bar.

ALL of that went away instantly.

In fact the worst place a person can be with a drinking problem is in limbo. The do I or don’t I phase. (Paul covers this in Episode 417).

So for this diagnostic, we are going to use the test listed in the DSM 5, or the diagnostically statical manual which is what most psychologists and/or therapists have somewhere on their shelves.

There’s 11 YES or NO questions. If you answer YES to 2 of the questions, if you meet 2 of the 11 criteria, within the past 12 months, they call it an Alcohol Use Disorder.

THE TEST

Do you sometimes have difficulty controlling how much you drink or for how long you drink alcohol?
Have you made unsuccessful attempts to cut down your drinking?
Do you sometimes spend a significant amount of time drinking or recovering from drinking?
Has your alcohol use had any negative consequences at home, school, or work? (Have you ever lost time off work because of your drinking?)
Has your alcohol use had any negative consequences to your relationships or social life? (Have you ever concealed how much you drink? Has anyone ever commented on your drinking?)
Have you continued to use despite any negative consequences?
Have you put off things or neglected to do things because of your alcohol use? (Have you ever disappointed your family or friends? Have you ever missed a family event?)
Do you occasionally have strong cravings for alcohol?
Has your tolerance for alcohol increased? Are you able to drink more than you did before?
Have you experienced withdrawal symptoms the next day after drinking? (Have you ever been shaky or sweaty that evening or the next day?)
Has your alcohol use led to any dangerous situations? (Have you ever been charged with impaired driving?)

Paul has always strived to be a good student, and was “happy” to report a score of 100%. 11/11. For shits and giggles, let’s’ cover what it means if you didn’t ace this like he did.

WHAT IT ALL MEANS

The presence of at least two of these symptoms means you have an AUD. If you have two to three symptoms, it’s considered mild; four to five symptoms is considered moderate; six or more symptoms is considered severe. (If you don’t fall into the severe category, a mild diagnosis can still warrant concern, as it may be the start of a larger problem.)

A couple things before we wrap this up. If you have a drinking problem, life isn’t over…in fact, it’s just beginning.

Some of you may have just learned you have a drinking problem. If this is devastating to you, go to Episode 411 where Paul talks about the grateful alcoholic.

Paul had one more bit of info in his notes from Episode 428 If you find yourself listening to a sobriety podcast (or reading this blog), and you’re not a therapist, a doctor, or listening so that you can support a loved one, then YOU have a drinking problem. If you question whether or not you have a drinking problem, you just answered that question. The bigger question is…what are you going to do about it?

***Taken from Recovery Elevator Podcast, Episode 428, host Paul Churchill***

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