by Paul Churchill | Feb 8, 2016 | Podcast
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In this episode Scott, an attorney on the east coast, shares how he has reached 2.5 “great” months of sobriety.
Contempt prior to investigation!
Today marks the 51st episode of what started almost a year ago as a way for me to simply hold myself accountable. I made the commitment then to do at least 52 episodes and as I approach this number its hard not to be overwhelmed with the impact this podcast has had on myself and also, unexpectedly, on many of you.
I mean, first off, 51 episodes later, I’m still sober! (1 year, 4 months and 6 days according to my recovery elevator app) – which is a miracle! But I see an unintended consequence is that many of you are also finding ways to stay sober and find happiness in recovery. It’s amazing to see what happens when we all put our minds together!
So for that, and all of you listening, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. There is rarely a day that I don’t get an email from a listener who shares how touched they are by something one of our guests said on the podcast. I mean there have been over 50 guests who have shared their story and these stories have been downloaded over 160,000 times. The impact of us simply, and honestly, sharing our stories is bringing hope to many who might not have otherwise found it. Please keep sending me emails with your story, I never get tired of reading them even if I don’t have time to respond to every one know that I read every one and cherish them all.
And because of you and your desire to continue the discussions after each podcast we started the private Facebook recovery elevator accountability group. I remember being amazed when we reached 60 members of the group and as I release today’s podcast we are rapidly approaching 450 members with new members being added every day. Its so amazing to see you all in the group sharing your story, asking questions, sharing wisdom and encouragement, checking in on each other and ultimately helping yourself and others stay sober. And it’s because of the things happening in this group that we are in the final stages of setting up an even better platform for us all to interact outside the podcast which will be several regions accountability groups which feed into the community forum.
Its all something I could not have imagined a year ago and it is a testament to the power of what can happen when we get honest and get out of our comfort zone. So, just in case you are wondering, I may get a bit sentimental and maybe even a bit emotional as we approach our 52nd episode but I’m not planning on stopping after our 52nd episode. You guys have stuck with me so I’m staying here and stick’n with you.
You know, after doing today’s interview, I was reminded of one of the most devastating things I’ve noticed during this busy year of podcasting, being interviewed by others and speaking at schools. It is the stigma associated with alcoholism. Because most people don’t even know the definition of who an alcoholic really is, they associate it with the worst stereotypes society has with problem drinkers. Bums under a bridge, domestic violence, liver cirrhosis, drunken driving, weak “will power” and the list can go on. The truth is, I don’t even like to talk about this stigma because it seems to only strengthen it. Heck, it is this stigma, and the repulsion we feel about being associated with this stigma that keep many of us from ever getting help!
The truth is, this stigma is wrong, dangerous, and it needs to change. I’m thinking of coming up with a name for it, like I did for Gary – my addiction. Maybe I’ll name this stigma Stanley. Sure, like any good lie, there may be an element of truth in this stigma but many of the people I’ve met over the last year have lives that in no way resemble this stereotype. I think today’s guest is another good example of this.
Alcoholism, like many of this century’s hot social issues (race relations, women’s rights, gay rights, etc) also suffers from something I like to call “contempt prior to investigation.” For when we really investigate who an alcoholic is we find that there is really only two defining factors: 1) We tend to have a mental obsession that makes it seem impossible to not have that first drink and 2) When we start drinking a physical allergy kicks in and we can’t control our drinking. That’s it. Period. Let me repeat it: 1) We tend to have a mental obsession that makes it seem impossible to not have that first drink and 2) When we start drinking a physical allergy kicks in and we can’t control our drinking. Alcoholism has been defined as a disease by the American Medical Association in 1056 and it does not make person good or bad. Period.
Do you guys want to know the crazy thing about this stigma?!… With all the alcoholics I have spoken with over the last year, and all the non-alcoholics, it is BY FAR the “still drinking alcoholic” who has the most negative association with the word alcoholic. Normal drinkers often see it as a medical issue and one with treatment options. Recovering alcoholics have often worked through the association and seem to have no problem being associated with the term. Ironically, it’s the very people who need the help who have the most negative association with the word.
And if we have done one thing by sharing our stories this year, I hope it is that we’ve helped each of us realize that we are not all that different, and we are not all that bad! In fact, most of us are making amazing and courageous progress in our lives. We are doing the things that, I believe, we will find the most meaningful when reflecting back on our lives from our deathbed. We are making amazing friendships, we are looking at our career not as a job but as a way to serve others, we are learning to love ourselves and we are finding joy. We truly are the lucky ones.
So, it’s simple. It’s not easy. But it’s so simple when you take away the stigma! Stanley, goodbye!
Our guest today, Scott, seems to have this figured out and I love when we talk about how being an alcoholic is only one area of our life and it by no means defines us.
In today’ talk he keeps it simple and he is a man of action. He is a successful lawyer, who has raised a nice family of 4 kids and has been married for over 30 years. By all accounts, looking in, he is living the dream. He is highly functional, very intelligent, and what we call in Montana “a man’s man.” But you will hear him say it: he regrets the “blank memories” or the memories not made while drinking. He is a great, and honorable, person who see’s that drinking has held him back from truly being the person he was designed to be and he is making a change.
So as you listen today, be reminded that you too are on a journey of becoming the person YOU were designed to be. For most of us it happens slowly as we continually take action applying the principles of recovery to our lives. For others, like you will hear today, there can be a profound spiritual experience which kick-starts the process. The key is, that no matter what the catalyst is, we never forget why we march this path of happy destiny. It’s in this mindset and in our daily actions, that we find freedom from the obsession to drink and freedom to become a little more of the person we want to be. I think you will find that today’s guest, Scott, is well on his way.
His story is so inspiring and so full of value bombs it could be a 2 part series! But instead of doing that, I’ll just encourage you to listen to a few powerful themes:
– Without saying it, Scott touches on all three of the first 12 steps in a powerful way.
– Scott is not a “wu-wu” spiritual guy and I cant help but be inspired by how profound spirituality is in his recovery.
– Scott’s journey from “contempt prior to investigation” of alcoholism to now having an acceptance that is super charging his life.
“You Might be an Alcoholic if” – Thank you Megan for compiling these for me on weekly basis.
-You go snow-snorkeling in the nude in Wisconsin. -Christine
-You know you are out of wine so you stop and “borrow” / steal a bottle from your in laws house on the way home. The next day when you go to replace “borrowed” /stolen bottle you get busted in their house and make up some lame story about how you were just looking for your child’s coat that he may have left there. -Julie
-The only reason you write the newspaper is to advocate repealing the ban on Sunday alcohol sales. -Jon
-You are a youth elder at Church and decide, not only to drink before driving a van full of middle schoolers around town for a holiday event, but continue to drink while driving. The only reason you do not smoke the pot you have with you is that you did not get the chance. (but did so immediately after!) TY
-You might be an alcoholic if… you use a bar stool as a walker so you don’t fall down!
Maggie
Be sure to join the Recovery Elevator Private Accountability Facebook Group.
Be sure to expand your recovery network in and Seattle on February 27th and San Francisco on March 5th.
by Paul Churchill | Feb 1, 2016 | Podcast
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In this podcast episode Cameron shares how he has successfully navigated nearly 6 months of sobriety.
In the early stages of a relationship, I was always terrified of the moment when I had to fess up to why I don’t drink. I came up with every answer besides the honest answer which is the simple fact I’m an alcoholic. Below is my Match.com profile summary I created eight days ago. The results of this experiment have been miraculous. 2 years ago I would have been surprised by the results, but knowing my fear was completely irrational, I’m not surprised at all.
Hello, my name is Paul and I’m a recovering alcoholic, I’m extremely allergic to horses, at times I struggle with anxiety, and I have been diagnosed ADHD 4 different times by medical professionals.
You’re probably wondering why I would lead off with this enticing intro, but after reading a couple profiles, I couldn’t get a real idea of who the gals really were… so by being upfront, honest and transparent, I am saving both of us time.
None of these things truly define me, but this is an honest description of who I am. When I first started writing my profile it contained words like funny, outgoing, motivated, happy, and all the other generic descriptors, which do describe me, but I thought I would tell it straight.
You might be an alcoholic if..
– you walk your dog at night with a glass of beer in your hand!!! -Penni
.you make a trip to the liquor store for beer but forget the grocery store for the much needed milk. -Angela
– You go to pee before bed but realize in horror the next morning that you missed the toilet seat by an entire room. -Jamey
-You misplace things..like a decade -Dee
– The first thing you do in the morning is check your Facebook, email, and call record to see what you may have done the night before! -Kathy
Be sure to join the Recovery Elevator Private Accountability Facebook Group.
Be sure to expand your recovery network in and Seattle on February 27th and San Francisco on March 5th.
by Paul Churchill | Jan 30, 2016 | Alcohol Relapse, Blog, Diet & Fitness, Early Sobriety, The Bottom
On January 16, at 18 days sober, I got up before dawn and drove 50 miles outside of the city to toe the line for a 25K trail race. I had no competitive goals; I just wanted to enjoy racing again. And…I did. It was invigorating, challenging, and at times even euphoric. It was all the things my addiction has robbed from me over and over again in the past two years. Trail racing is more exhausting than road racing because your brain is perpetually engaged. You’re constantly judging, calculating, balancing. As I ran through the woods, dodging roots and fallen branches and sliding through the mud, I felt more alive than I had in weeks. Maybe I can really kick this, I thought. For real this time.
Two and a half hours later, I finished, covered in dirt and full of joy. Later I discovered I was 6th female, which was a nice bonus, but it wasn’t why I was out there. I left fairly quickly, because there was an after-party for the normal people (the ones who can have a few, call it a day and go about their business) and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to handle that. Smart decision, right? Yes…but it sucked.
Because in my post-collegiate running career, I’ve learned that I could not only run well enough to sometimes win races, sometimes even win money, but that I could also reward myself with a drink or two after a race or a hard training run.
But slowly, deceptively, that drink became more than two. Eventually it became five or six or seven. Finally, it replaced running entirely, and I didn’t see it happening until it was too late. But I miss those post-race rewards. I still remember the days when that’s truly all they were.
And I haven’t fucking gotten over it.
You’re a freak. Just accept it. You never really grew up. You can’t drink like an adult because you’re just a piece of shit with no self-control, I thought as I drove home after slamming two sodas and saying awkward goodbyes to people.
The thought festered and smoldered in my mind for three days, getting more and more unbearable…but I kept quiet.
I should have told someone. I should have reached out for help. Instead, I buried the thought, ashamed of my inability to be like other people. And eventually I broke, telling myself that an impending snowstorm and the inevitable few days off work was a good reason. This, of course, is a perfectly good excuse for most people, but the reality is there is no excuse in my case. There’s only the ugly, sober truth: I can’t drink. What’s fine for most people is poison for me. It didn’t take long to sink into oblivion, and for nearly a week I became a virtual ghost, completely removed from reality. The aftermath, of course, is never pretty. A more accurate description would be “horrifying.” What I’ve experienced in the past few days is not a hangover. It’s sickness, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I still have hope that I will run again- maybe even compete again, sooner than later. But deep down I know that the bigger problem is that this could eventually kill me, and I don’t want to die.
You can run all you want, but you can’t escape yourself.
by Paul Churchill | Jan 25, 2016 | Podcast
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Colin shares how he has made it to 16 days of sobriety.
I’d like to give a special thanks to Maureen for helping me compile this great list of songs about recovery and getting sober. There are some great artists putting recovery on the map.
- “Hate Me” – Blue October. What alcoholic cannot relate to these lyrics? I know I’ve felt this so many times. When we disappoint our loved ones after a relapse or crisis. It would be so much easier if they would just hate me and go away. The voice of his mother can be heard at the beginning on his answering system. She’s calling to check on him and see if he’s taken his medications. He’s got 90-days sober and wants to thank her. Good song.
- “You’re Not My God” – Keith Urban. “You’re not my God and you’re not my friend. You’re not the one I will walk with in the end”. I view this as a goodbye letter to alcohol and drugs. It’s got a great message. Urban is public with his recovery as well.
- “That’s Why I’m Here” – Kenny Chesney. This is a great song and it’s one man’s take on his first AA meeting. It gives the impression I know I’ve felt of wanting what other people had. “They started talkin’ about steps you take. Mistakes you make and the hearts that we break”. There are a lot of 12-step references and I found it so relatable. In the beginning he says “Well I ain’t had nothin’ to drink. I knew that’s probably what you’d think”. I know this hit a chord with me as people would often if I really was sober.
- Macklemore has a bunch of good songs. “Fallin’” has lyrics, “Another drink at the bar but I’m not drunk enough..”. He goes on to describe his downward spiral in pretty good detail.
- “Otherside” is a great song about relapse and how low that can make you feel. He describes going back to a meeting after a relapse and a fan tells him how much he’s inspired her with her own recovery. He can’t even look at her as he is so ashamed and feels like a “fake”. It’s a great song for starting all over. Remember, relapse is part of recovery and I know I’ve beaten myself up so bad in the past.
- “Inhale Deep” has an inspiring message about “…every struggle in life, is there to teach you a lesson…”. “But if you make the end You will never know the beauty of being able to stand up again”. Very powerful lyrics.
- He has a new song for his next album entitled “Kevin”. He teams up with Leon Bridges and this song talks about the epidemic of doctors prescribing medications and people getting addicted. You can’t buy the single yet but I strongly recommend you watch the YouTube clip of the two of them performing it at an awards show this fall. Leon Bridges is like a throw-back to Sam Cooke and says, “Doctor please, give me a dose of the American Dream. Put down the pen and look in my eyes…we’re overprescribed”. Great song.
- “Not An Addict” – K’s Choice. This song is clearly about heroin addiction and the denial of being an addict. The song says “We’re so creative, so much more. We’re High but on the floor”. “It’s not a habit, it’s cool. I feel alive”. It’s like they are trying to tell themselves that they can “stop anytime I want to” trying to justify their use. Old 90s song but I think it’s powerful.
- “Recover” – Natasha Bedingfield. This is a great song and it is so positive. She stresses “It’s now what we’ve done but, how far we’ve come”. The message is: WE WILL RECOVER, the worst is over, now.
10 “God of Wine” – Third Eye Blind. “She takes a drink and then she waits. The alcohol it permeates. And soon the cells give way. And cancel out the day”. Wow, this is so true for me, that feeling that I was wasting my life away when drinking. It also speaks of the frustration of “Where do we begin?” when new to recovery.
- “The A-Team” – Ed Sheeran penned this one about a drug-addicted girl he met on the streets of London. He befriended her and describes her as a “cool girl, with no phone”. It sends the message of what lengths this girl goes to for her habit.
- Sound City (Dave Grohl collaboration with Stevie Nicks and some other artists) “You Can’t Fix This” . It’s about dancing with the “devil” (addiction). I know Stevie Nicks is vocal about her recovery.
- “One Day At A Time” – Joe Walsh
- “One Day At a Time” Yusaf Islam (the former Cat Stevens
- “Make Me A Channel Of Your Peace” – Sinead O’Connor. I just like this song as it is the Third Step Prayer. Its kind of somber though but pretty.
- “Losing My Way” – Justin Timberlake. “I used to be the man in my hometown until I started to lose my way”. It spells out his downward spiral into addiction.
- “Sober” – Pink
- “Amazing” – Aerosmith. I think we’ve all known this band has long been in recovery. Steven hit a rough patch in 2006 with painkillers after surgery but checked back into rehab and has since been okay. This song is great as it tells how his life is “amazing” post recovery. How inspiring for all of us struggling!
- “Leave The Light On” Beth Hart. She says, “I want to love. I want to live. I don’t know much about it. I never did. Seventeen and I’m all messed up inside. I cut myself just to feel alive”. Wow, what pain is she in….who cannot relate? Addiction sucks!
- “Semi-Charmed Life” – Third Eye Blind (your band) “Doing crystal meth with lift you up until you break”. “We tripped on the edge of wanting to feel alive and now I’m struggling to stay alive!
Be sure to join the Recovery Elevator Private Accountability Facebook Group.
Be sure to expand your recovery network in and Seattle on February 27th and San Francisco on March 5th.
by Paul Churchill | Jan 18, 2016 | Podcast
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There was a period of time from around 2004-2014 where I could not look at myself in the mirror. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was disgusted with myself. I didn’t recognize the person standing there and I didn’t know what to do about it. I thought the problem was others, I thought the problem was stress, I thought the problem was anxiety and depression. I definitely wasn’t ready to examine the problem could possibly be my ally alcohol. No way. Not at all. That couldn’t be the problem. Nope.
It wasn’t until I reached emotional sobriety in 2014 when I started to catch glimpses of the real Paul Churchill in the mirror. It didn’t happen day one of sobriety. It didn’t happen day 30. But like the seasons change, I was eventually able to look myself in the mirror without total disgust. Fast forward to January 18th, 2016. I embrace that man in the mirror. We challenge each other to be better. To make others better and that man in the mirror is my best friend. Here is the poem a football coach read to us in High School.
The Guy in the Glass
by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934
When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.
For it isn’t your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.
He’s the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear up to the end,
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may be like Jack Horner and “chisel” a plum,
And think you’re a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you’ve cheated the guy in the glass.
Dale Wimbrow 1895-1954
“You might be an alcoholic if”
-your spring cleaning meant clearing out the alcohol hiding spots, nooks and crannies to make room for the new ones -Brandy
-you know more about what’s happening in your bartender’s life, than in your best friend’s. -Sarje
-as the sun rises over the curb, you notice you have one shoe on and aren’t sure if you lost a shoe or found one. -Frank
-you do your recycling at 2am in the morning so no one will see you. -Claudia
-you don’t remember leaving a bar with a guy, wake up at 2am and find a note from a guy you swear you’ve never met. You text him. You confirm your worst fear. Then start drinking again. -Kelly E.
“If you can’t wait to get home from the corner store, so you start drinking your beer while driving home in the car…you might be an alcoholic.” -Alvin
Be sure to join the Recovery Elevator Private Accountability Facebook Group.
Be sure to expand your recovery network in Bozeman and Seattle. Dates for NYC, San Francisco, Denver Costa Rica and Norway are coming soon.
